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Christina Anne ♥
28 December 2008 @ 10:50 pm
And the thing about it all sitting on my heart is that I don't know what to do or what to say or how to handle everything.

I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about it all. Parts of me think I'm being horribly selfish and unreasonable, but then again, I think I'm being reasonable and seeing to my own individual needs. As I listen to thisCollapse )

Anywho! Back to the story at hand. Yesterday I told my Mom I was seriously considering leaving Matt. Not because I don't love him, even though that is what he says me leaving him will mean, but because I can't find happiness in the lifestyle I am living right now.

Matt and I got engaged on July 27th of 2007. That was just over a year and five months ago. We still live apart from each other, we still have no definite set wedding date, we don't have any set wedding plans, and I am really tired of waiting. I love him so much and I want to build a life together with him, but he says he keeps waiting until we can afford it. So many married couples and even unmarried couples have told me that if we wait until we can afford it we are going to be waiting forever and I can't wait forever. As crazy as that is, for those of you who truly know me, which I realize is very few, but you know what my hopes and dreams are. Even as smart and lucky as I am, I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to have a family by 25. I want to be happy. I don't know if it is because I had cancer and am scared I won't be able to or if it's just because it's what I want. I think it's the later because I've always wanted it. People have always told me I am crazy. And I am beginning to believe that is why i can't decide what I want to go to school for or if I even want to be in school. He told me when we started dating he was looking to settle down and here we are, two years later, even farther apart than we were the day I said I would marry him. And I told him this all yesterday and I cried and I told him I was leaving him because I was unhappy, but once again, he promised me change and all of my dreams, but today, things were exactly the same. The same negative thoughts and comments that we can't afford it and nobody will give us a house because we're so young. And forgive me for being selfish, but if it wasn't for his stupid job that says we have to live way out in the middle of freakin nowhere we could get an apartment like normal people...but we can't do that because people don't build apartment buildings in places where you have to ride a four wheeler just to visit your next door neighbor! And now I am just as unhappy living with my grandparents as I was living with my parents. And now, no amount of drugs are helping. And what's bad is he doesn't even realize I cry myself to sleep sometimes when I lay right next to him! And he thinks that I want it all to come at once, I don't. I really don't. No matter how much it sounds like that, I just want to see progress. I want to have my hope back that one day my dreams are going to come true. I want hope that one day he will leave his mom to build a home with me. I want hope that one day I can be mother and wife I know I can be and dream of becoming. And seeing all of these people that are doing it and would have loved to do other things before building a family breaks my heart even more. I know plenty of people that are my age and Matt's age that wish they could have gone to college and developed a career before they had kids and got married. I have that. I've always known I'd have that. But I don't want that. I've always known I didn't truly want that. The only reason I want to stay in college at Centenary and finish is so I don't have to listen to my goddamn family and I can get a free fucking trip to Walt Disney World. That's it. I don't even care if I go to school for four years just to get a damn general studies degree. The way I see it, college is costing ME 24,000 dollars that I could be spending to pay for my child to go to college in the future or I could be paying for a house. But no! I worked my ass off in high school so I could get a lousy 1700 from the state and 6250 from my school and have to borrow the remaining 3000 a semester. And that's just for a damn bachelor's degree in some bullshit that I am sure will require a masters or above to actually perform that damn job. Call it wasting my education or my mind or whatever. As far as I am concerned, my mind is a damn good thing to waste because it sure as hell doesn't make me happy. Shit, the man I am in love with doesn't even make me happy anymore. And I am sure as soon as Matt reads this he or someone else is going to tell me to go see my damn doctor because they need to shove more tranquilizers down my throat. And no, I haven't stopped taking my meds. I took them last night and will take them right before I get in bed.

I really am a Carrie and fairy tales really are for the story books. Moms, do me a favor, keep your little girls out of therapy and save them a whole bunch of tears...don't read them fairy tales! And don't waste your breath on your sons either because then they'll all be momma's boys who will ask a woman to marry them and then sit around pretending that the damn engagement actually means something while they continue to live with their momma's and answer to their every beck and call.

Screw love. Love is for the squirrels. Now I see why black widow spiders eat their mates.
Christina Anne ♥
28 July 2007 @ 03:55 pm
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Christina Anne ♥
10 April 2007 @ 09:21 am
Current Mood: crankycranky